An Experience Vs. An Investment

Jerky from Wray & Gwen: always a welcome package to find on our doorstep.

Michael and I spent the week before last in Houston with my family. As expected, it was a bittersweet time for me. You can never spend enough time with those you love before you say goodbye.

A month from tomorrow we will be moving to India. I have to stop when I say that because it's still so incredible to me. When I look back on my life I don't believe I ever once entertained the idea of living in another country -- let alone India.

Backpacking through Europe? You bet. Moving to India for a year or more? Not even on the radar.

But Westerners have always been drawn to the East. We have these caricatures of entire societies made up of belly dancing girls, snake charmers, elephant-riding sultans, endless varieties of exotic spices, and all other lures of the orient.

And I guess those ideas aren't created in a vacuum. But popping in and out of a culture for a few experiential trinkets is a lot different that setting your down roots in one.

I think there is a lot of room for romanticizing and setting up false expectations (it is India we're talking about after all). When you watch shows like "House Hunter's International" you get excited for these couples moving to Bulgaria, Rome, South Africa, or wherever. But you never get to see if ten years down the road their investment paid off. You only get to see their initial experiences.

The difference in moving to another culture for an experience verses going to make an investment simply boils down to the difference between a contractual mindset verses a covenantal mindset. Or to put it not-so-nicely: Moving for selfish reasons verses moving for selfless reasons.

Really, if you think about it, whether it's a new box of markers or a new romance, anything new is exciting to us. But 'new' inevitable becomes 'old' and it's at that point the immature and superficial leave. The mature and steady will push through and remain.

A contractual mindset thinks in terms of conditions and (usually) personal conveniences:

• "If he cheats on me, I'll divorce him." 
• "If I have to write a twenty-five page paper for this class, I'll drop it."
• "If I don't get that raise, I'm quitting."
• "If I get tired of India, I'll just move back home."

But a covenant mindset has no terms or limitations; it completely negates the "if" in the equation:

• "No matter if cheats me, I'll get help, but I will stand by his side until the end."
• "No matter if I have to write a twenty-five page paper for this class, I will give it my best and complete the task." 
• "No matter if I don't get that raise, I will continue to perform my responsibilities as well as, if not better, than before."
• "No matter if I get tired of India, I will remember I'm not here for me, I'm here for a purpose that is yet to be accomplished."

My own "work and creativity zone".

In short, a contractual mindset doesn't have to cost you anything. But a a covenant mindset will always cost you something, if not eventually everything.

There is a lot of novelty to India.... but there's a lot to be frustrated by also. If we want to endure things for the long haul, we have to look at India as an investment. Just like in financial markets, there will be losses in our emotional, spiritual and physical "markets", but the long-term yields eternal dividends.

It's exciting to think about finding a flat in Delhi and romanticize the expatriate life. But what will we do six months into it when the routine sets in? What happens when we wake up homesick and realize things break, the food tastes bad, and the traffic sucks?

We'll remember that India is more than just a temporal experience. India is an eternal investment.

India is God's investment, and God's credit is good. God is so sure this investment will pay off that he's given us his Son's inheritance in advance. What a rich and generous a Father we have!

Do you catch yourself jumping from one "high" to the next? Which mindset (contractual or covenantal) do you think is the most prevalent here in America?

Obedience Has Nothing To Do With You

I'll just come out and say that for the past couple months I've lacked passion in my relationship with God. It's not that I haven't had much to be thankful for or that there haven't been amazing things God is doing in my life, but we all go through times where it can feel like we're just going through the motions.

I think it's really important to remember a few things when we enter "seasons" like this:

1. It's not about you. It's about Jesus.
2. Obedience is not based on your emotions or circumstances.
3. You have a job to do and the world doesn't pause until you feel passionate about fulfilling the Great Commission again.

I've noticed that whenever I get in these places, 100% of the time it's my fault. Somewhere along the line I started thinking more about me than God. And my prayers will reflect that shift in focus: "I'm sorry God, I just don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be more loving? I don't know why I can't just be obedient and read my bible more. I feel like such a lousy servant." Me, me, me, whine, whine, whine.

At some point, when I'm done throwing my little pity-party, a light bulb will go off and I'll remember a truth I forgot: It's not about me. It's about Jesus.

It shouldn't matter if I woke up late, spilled coffee on favorite shirt, ran out of deodorant and have a run in my hose. Obedience isn't dependent on my mood or circumstances. This world and everything in it was created by and through and for Jesus, and if He says love thy neighbor, then it's my responsibility to do it. Jesus is the main character, not Ashley Crist. He is who my focus and attention should be on. Paul explains in his letter to the Galatians:

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Gal  2:20)

Again, who here is the center of the Story? Me or Jesus? It's a "no duh" that the Old Ashley is disobedient and naturally self-focused. The Old Ashley will probably never want to sacrifice her time for others or want to obey the Great Commission. And if there had been some way for the Old Ashley to be repaired, Jesus wouldn't have crucified her in His body two thousand years ago:

"Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with [Jesus] in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin." (Rom 6:3-6) 

The Old Ashley was crucified with Christ, but now the New Ashley has been resurrected and her life is now hidden in Him. There is no more of this: "I don't want to do that." There is only: "Christ in me, I shall!" Me has been taken entirely out of the equation, there is only Jesus the Christ. Jesus is my righteousness. I put on Jesus and everything that's in and apart of Him, is in and apart of me. His blood is my blood. His DNA is my DNA. His works are my works. His passions are my passions. "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (Jn 15:5)

"For the death [Jesus] died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. 

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but grace. 

What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaved of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free form sin, have become slaves of righteousness." (Rom 6:10-18)

That means I'm not running this show. Jesus isn't working on my terms. I'm working on his. I am a slave to Righteousness, not a slave to sin. I don't get to run red lights just because I'm having a bad day, and neither do I get to ignore the Great Commission because I feel like it. I'm no longer entitled even my own life. I surrendered my rights, my very life the moment I said "yes" to Jesus. I entered into a covenant with the Son of God that says: "You are both Lord and Savior and my life is yours, I am your bond servant. I will live my life bringing Glory to your Name." A covenant is not based on conditionals like a contract. Just because I do not like something or have found some "irreconcilable difference" does not allow me to walk away from my relationship with the Lord. "It's no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

The world is waiting for this to hit home. Shall I turn the hungry away because I (Old Ashley) would rather play video games? Shall I say "no" to the poor because I (Old Ashley) would rather spend time at the pool with friends? Shall I not read my bible or pray because I'm not "feeling the presence" of the Lord? No! Did Jesus turn away his followers while He was yet in mourning over his cousin John's execution? No, until the very end, he denied his very divinity. God in the flesh was spit upon by his own people. The Creator was humiliated, rejected and crucified by His own creation. And in return he poured out His blood, His life, His very love all for them.

The sick, the hungry, the destitute are waiting and dying every day. Who is going to them? Who is going to share Jesus with them? Can I deny them simply because it's inconvenient or emotionally taxing? Before Jesus was arrested, He spent the night sweating blood in a garden and asking the Father for another way - if it was the Father's will. You think that wasn't inconvenient for him? You think Jesus enjoyed being slapped in the face by the children of His beloved Abraham? He bore the sins of entire world in His body on the cross. You think He didn't spend the last hours of his life in utter agony, sorrow and grief? So if the Son of God endured such torment as He did, what makes us, His servants, think we're somehow exempt from the same treatment?

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil 2:5-8)

While we were enemies, Jesus the Christ died for us. Not out of some emotional high he was experiencing, but out of obedience to the Father. He didn't wait to "feel" like it was time to be crucified. He made himself nothing so that the Father could exalt Him above everything. So there is no "me" or "you" in the picture. There is only Jesus. And Jesus commanded us to heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons - regardless of whether you're being wrecked by the Holy Spirit or just going through the motions.

The Gospel of John shares the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet. In this, Jesus gave them an incredibly accurate and effective summary of the past three years of His ministry on earth. Jesus lived in complete obedience to the Father and so displayed the purest and most abandoned form of servitude. Then he tells the disciples they are expected to go and do likewise: "You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you." (Jn 13:13-15) Notice he doesn't say, "Well, I mean, only serve when you have time in between church and lunch at Luby's. Or if you're feeling up to it."

It' not my will, but His will be done. Period.

Who will count the cost and count Him more worthy? Who will be obedient despite themselves? Who will be made a fool in the eyes of the world to be counted as wise in the eyes of the Father?

Wonderful Counselor

We're home from our month-long trip in Albuquerque and still waiting to hear back on the official offer for Michael's long-term assignment to India. So far all parties have agreed to the position and Michael's interview went well. All that's left now is for headquarters in Sweden to review the proposal and the contract will be sent to the U.S. By August fifteenth we should expect the proposal to arrive, which might impact when we actually move or it might not. But until we hear different, September first is still our "D-Day" for India.

It's been a rough time since we've been home. For me, the drive back was long and from the get-go, it seems like one thing after another has piled up. Everything from my aloe vera randomly dying to finding out my Grandma P's condition has become extremely poor. But the majority of concerns are family-related and it has me asking a lot of questions about how ready I am to be away from them for a year or more.

I've always struggled with carrying worry that isn't necessarily inside my boundary realm, so I've been having a hard time feeling guilty about moving away to India. A lot of the thoughts I've been wrestling with deal with abandonment: "Am I abandoning my family? Are we abandoning our family? Will I regret not taking advantage of being so close to them in the states?" Eventually, I shift my inward thoughts to God and approach Him with these questions.

So, the Wonderful Counselor listens and we work through it together.

Starting with... Where does my realm of control end and His begin? David says in Psalm 16:6: "The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places..." So I must remember that in all things God helps set healthy and "pleasant" boundaries in my life. Worrying for my family does not affect their situation one way or the other. And it says to God that I do not trust him to preserve their well-being. I cannot add or subtract one hair from my own head by worrying - much less someone else's head! God loves my family beyond comprehension. Can I tell God how to love them better? Will my worrying do a better job for them than the methods God is presently using?

Then I think: Is "abandon" even an accurate word? It's not like I own my family. God does. They're not "mine". They're God's. Only Jesus can truly be held personally responsible for every individual on the face of this planet. Being in Houston may grant me more physical access to my family; but it does not necessarily grant me access to their hearts, cares or concerns. How can I abandon what I never owned?

Guy walking on glass at River City Market

Despite these talks, my emotions have been getting ahead of me occasionally, and I still have more to process. But I will say that the last couple days have allowed me to focus on walking this out in the present-tense. I've been letting myself just experience the full realm of feelings attached with moving to a foreign place. And it's been good. It's almost like I woke up one day and was like, "Oh my gosh. We're moving to India." Then I got butterflies. We're really moving to India. Ok. I can do this.

God is with us and with our family at the same time. And I look to my Savior for an example of how to maintain peace in the midst of my worries. Jesus knew he was responsible for the salvation of the whole world, but he found time to sleep on a boat during a storm and have dinner with sinners and tax collectors. He told his disciples "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is it's own trouble." (Matt 6:34) He did nothing apart from what He saw the Father doing (Jn 5:19) and was content to do His will.

(Haha.. gosh. If this past year has been anything at all, it's been one big lesson in contentment. I wonder what I've learned?)

I never want to forget that no matter how stressful this transition might get - it's for a reason and it's all just apart of the Adventure God has invited us to go on.

Are you in a season of waiting or rest right now? How have you been intentional during this time and what advice can you give others?

Passing Time

We've basically been in India-mode for the past couple weeks. Which means the most exciting thing in the world could happen right this instant and we would only be minimally interested: "What's that? Grandma's going sky-diving this weekend? Oh. That's nice."

Staying focused in any capacity has been a real challenge. Our minds just aren't living in the present - they're thinking about the next few months and after. I feel especially bad for Michael because the work he's currently doing here in Albuquerque is actually what he originally started out doing when he became an employee for Sprint. Really tedious and drawn out stuff. Not only that, but he has endure it for twelve hours a day, three days in a row. If either of us is eager to get things moving along with India, it's got to be him.

But that's not to say it's been any easier for me to sit in the hotel room making five-categoried to-do lists and researching expatriate information all day. In between forgetting my Kindle at the gym (sucked, but found it), seeing Xmen: First Class (awful), then seeing Super 8 (wasn't awful, but wasn't the best), seeing our first road runner (looked nothing like the cartoon), reading (of course), making new social icons (as displayed in the sidebar), and working on a friendship bracelets (totally rockin'); we find ourselves twiddling our thumbs, anxiously waiting to get back home.

Thankfully, it will only be one more week before Michael will be back in Kansas City and less than that for me. Part of me wants to feel bummed that we weren't able to travel around more here in New Mexico. But another part of me is still pretty content with the little things we've been able to see and do so far. Like so:

Chicken & Dumplings?

Parmesan Garlic Chicken?

Parmesan Garlic Chicken with noodles AND homemade Alfredo Sauce?

Wait a minute...

Spaghetti?

Chicken Fried Rice?

I think I'm beginning to notice a trend here...

Orange Chicken?

Turkey Cheeseburgers?

I guess I should have warned you that this post was mainly written to display my incredible hotel cooking prowess. But that doesn't mean I'm any less satisfied with how we've spent our time in Albuquerque - so it's not entirely off-track. You've gotta eat, right?

I also FINALLY completed the latest friendship bracelet I've been working on. I ran out of thread mid-bracelet and it quickly became a macramé nightmare trying to extend the strings. But alls well that ends well. After I started it, I asked God who I should give it to and I felt like he told me to make it for a friend's daughter. I put it in the post yesterday and it should hopefully be delivered by Tuesday.

Still reading my latest book, The Memoirs of Cleopatra: A Novel by Margaret George. It's my second historical fiction by George and I've got to say, I'm not really enjoying it as much as her other novel. Too much emphasis on romance and I don't entirely care for her portrayal of Cleopatra's character. But that's the trouble with historical fiction; you don't always wind up agreeing with character interpretation.

Four days and counting until I make the twelve-hour drive back home - then it's sista' sista' time for an entire week. Let the cheesy hair metal/80s music begin!

What's the longest amount of time you've had to spend in a hotel? How did you pass the time? 

India-Induced Insomnia

Can't sleep, so why not blog about India?

It seems like it's been a tug-of-war since we were first introduced to this incredible place. We were warned before going that we'd either love it or we'd hate it. We loved it.

Well, actually, at first we hated it.

I mean, it's unorganized, inefficient, people bobble their heads when they talk, cows lay freely in the street, "yes" doesn't always mean "yes", poverty is unbelievable, the smells are unforgettable, traffic will give you a headache, trash is everywhere, and the attitude of "chalta hai" makes life a general frustration for any true American. It's no wonder we were once asked one of those typical pragmatic questions by a family member, "Is there any redeeming value to India?"

I admit I still have trouble answering that question. To an American, India is your worst nightmare. Actually, to just about any Westerner, India would be your worst nightmare. If you're looking for kept front lawns, clean lines, punctual meetings or any sort of efficiency whatsoever - better go enjoy a walk around your own neighborhood and forget about India.

But almost as if to prove the old saying, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder", Michael and I found ourselves missing it. I think it took coming back to the U.S. to see the charm and character of India. For all it's negatives, there was something that tugged at us a little. 

On our return home, we landed in Chicago and from there flew home to Kansas City. I remember the first time I looked outside the window just before landing and being fascinated by the clean lines of the fields below. Then as we drove home I couldn't stop noticing the clean grass without litter or people sleeping on it. No circus horns or trucks decorated with garland. No naked children running up to the car for money. No stinky smells waiting outside. No motorcycles with families of five crammed onto one vehicle. No tuk-tuks. It was like... Wow, on a scale of one to ten, one being no character at all and ten being India, America was boring! Of course I was dealing with "reverse" culture-shock from coming back to the U.S., so it didn't take long to readjust. And there were more trips back and forth that eventually made the contrasts less difficult to process. 

It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since the last time we were in India. On the afternoon of our last day there, it rained heavily and unusually late for that time of the year. Most of the monsoon rains are done by late July or early August, but this year had a longer season than normal. Michael got back to our room from work and told me to grab the camera - there was a rainbow outside. We took the elevator to the top floor and I snapped a few pictures.

Isn't that just like God? In my heart I felt Him saying with a smile: "I've heard your prayers, you'll be back."After so much laboring in prayer to be able to return to India, God was sealing the deal with one of his most popular promise signatures. So naturally, we expected Michael's long-term assignment would be approved without a hitch and we'd be back before we knew it.

We learned however, that God's time-table was obviously different than ours.

Since September we've been through ups and downs, moves and marriages, friendships and funerals. There have been times we were sooo certain we would be sent back to India, but for whatever reason things just didn't work out. I've lost count of how many meetings, talks, proposals, ifs, whens, whats, whos have been discussed about Michael returning to India. Not one of the plans have come through and each felt like a tease. We began to consider what other ways we could go back. Would it be much later in life than we were expecting? All the rules seemed to have changed. 

I remember being at church one morning feeling so discouraged and bummed. Everyone's worshipping but my heart was so broken because we were just informed no more assignments to India would be offered. There was some legal trouble between Michael's company and India so no one else was allowed back. I remember thinking, "What now God? What does this mean? Why does this keep happening? What are your plans for us?" I couldn't help crying. The whole situation was so disappointing. We were sure that this time everything would work out. In that moment all God said to me was: "You will go back, but it will be under different circumstances." I tried pressing in for more, but that was all I got. So I wrote it down in my little pink journal and we waited, and waited... and we waited some more.

And then, again out of the blue, another proposal. Another long-term assignment. And not six months, or even a year, but a year-and-a-half. Eighteen months in India? We couldn't believe it. Is this really happening?

Sometimes I go from being excited to being completely overwhelmed. Here we are in Albuquerque, New Mexico and they want Michael to leave for India by the first of September. It's hard not to feel anxious and swallowed up by everything that needs to get done. Visas, and packing, and doctor check-ups, and legal documents, and selling our vehicles, and finding a new place to live, and, and, and, and... 

Of course, to-do list queen here already has two separate five-columned lists of preparations and tasks to be done before the time of departure. And we're hoping Michael will be allowed to come home early to give him the time necessary to get ready.

I've had a lot of time to think about this and in the middle of the swings between excitement and dread, I notice another very difficult emotion: sadness. There is a cost to everything, and this is no exception. I don't think we'll fully understand the cost this will bring to our loved ones and that's a heavy truth to accept. For some reason when I think about leaving my little sister, it affects me the most. Not that I don't love everyone, but I think older siblings never get over the worry of abandoning their younger brothers or sisters. And a lot can happen in a year-and-a-half. Things change, people change, and life goes on. I know that the full weight of that has not hit me entirely yet, and it kind of scares me.

I've been asking God, "Are we doing this for you? Is this what you want?" And the old verse from C.T. Studd's poem keeps coming to mind: "Only one life 'twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last." In the book of Galatians Paul says that fourteen years after receiving the Gospel from Jesus, he went back to check with the elders in the church to make sure he wasn't "[running] the race in vain". Now that it seems we're finally going to India, in some ways I feel like Paul. If I'm not doing this for God, it's not worth it. And if we are doing this for God, how can we be the most intentional and bear the most fruit for Him while we're there?

Jesus said there was a cost to following Him. Is he worth it? Is Jesus worth my family, my home, my time, my possessions, my life? And the question He asks in return is: Are the lost in India worth it? I've already given my life over to Him, and Jesus is not divided. He is both King and Redeemer at once. To live is Christ and that is my only option. "And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Mat 10:38-39)

The cost of following him is great, but he also promised to all "who [have] left houses or brothers or sisters or fathers or mother or children or lands, for [his] name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life." (Mat. 19:29) Jesus is the ultimate reward. And the One who calls me away from my family and home is the one who loves them more and will care for them better than I ever could.

In the Gospel of Luke Jesus proclaimed: "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." (Lk 12:32) "Fear not"... The same words a woman at church received and shared at the beginning of the year. "Fear not" ... The same words God said to Joshua before he took possession of the Promised Land.

So the rainbow stands, like all of God's promises. Whether we goto India tomorrow or 10 years from now, His Word will never pass away. May I remember and treasure His Word in my heart above all else. "For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory." (1 Cor 1:20)

Jesus is Lord.

"Happy [Sante Fe] Trails to you"

Burro Alley Cafe

Last Tuesday afternoon, Michael and I took a little drive up to New Mexico's state capitol: Sante Fe. I think it's pretty cool that we live near by where the historic Sante Fe trail starts and now we can say we've visited the city where it ended!

We originally wanted to eat at a Mexican restaurant called Los Mayas which was listed on Sante Fe's tourism website and was highly reviewed. Unfortunately it either moved or shut down because after an hour of driving and walking around, we never did find it. But while looking for Los Mayas, we ended up in the downtown shopping and art district. 

So we spent the rest of our time walking by rows of other restaurants, art galleries, and Native American jewelry stores. Michael and I eventually decided to eat at a little place called 'Burro Alley Cafe'. It was absolutely gorgeous outside so we sat on the back patio. Interesting menu selection, but Michael ordered his trusty bacon cheeseburger and I ordered the hummus and pita appetizer.

They had an overwhelming array of pastries and sweets, but I decided on an anise-flavored butter cookie called a Bizcochito. Bizcochito cookies are unique to New Mexico and are actually the state's official cookie. I didn't know that at the time - I just heard the girl behind the counter say something about anise and a cookie and I was sold. It reminded me of a Snickerdoodle, except of course, with anise. (I foresee a recipe experiment with Bizcochito in my near future...)

In front of the American Indian War Memorial Monument in 

Sante Fe Plaza

We left Burro Alley Cafe and walked some more in what's called the "Heart of Sante Fe", or Sante Fe's city square. The square has a small performing stage, a few food stalls, a grassy area, and a monument dedicated to the American Indian War. Michael and I stopped for a while to listen to one man playing a harp, people watch, and peruse more Native American jewelry and artwork.

From there we went to get a closer look at the Cathedral Basilica of Saint Francis of Assisi then headed back towards more of the shopping and art galleries. On our way to to Galerie Züger, we passed a man sitting down and holding a sign asking for money. My heart felt super compassionate towards the guy, but we didn't stop to talk to him. It sucked. I hate it when my heart breaks for someone but I don't yield to it and rationalize it away. It's sooo disobedient and irresponsible to Jesus. Not only that, but I thought I heard the name "Ralph" as we walked by him so it was really obvious God wanted to touch this man. But even if I hadn't felt anything or received any words, Jesus already gave the command two thousand years ago to love as you go. There's simply no excuse for disobedience.

Cathedral Basilica of Saint Francis of Assisi

We went ahead to view the exhibits at Galerie Züger. They were currently displaying sculptures by Gib Singleton and paintings by Michael Atkinson. Pope Benedict XVI's crosier is topped by one of Singleton's bronze crucifixes and his work is internationally-renowned. I admit that I've started to find depictions of Jesus hanging on a cross morbid (Jesus is alive and well!), so some of Singleton's art wasn't as appealing to me. But there were a couple sculptures (one showing a Roman soldier whipping Jesus and another with Jesus collasped under the weight of the cross) that nearly brought me to tears. Seeing Jesus so submitted and vulnerable always touches me. We spit upon, slapped, mocked, and nailed God-in-the-flesh to a crude wooden cross. Yet He endured it all without saying a word. The One who deserved to be the most exalted allowed himself to be the most trampled and abused for our sake:

"He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness." (1 Peter 2:22-24)

So then I felt even more like a turd for not submitting myself to the compassion Jesus has for the poor. Here I was, playing the pious little Christian in my safe bubble of Christian art. But admiring a figurine of Jesus on a cross doesn't put food in the mouth of the hungry. I felt sick at how religious I was being. I also realized I was waiting on Michael to take the lead, which is normally the healthy order of things in a marriage. But Jesus is my Lord - not my husband. So I serve the Lord first and Michael second. Michael and I are one flesh, but each individually accountable for our actions before Jesus. As soon as we were done viewing the artwork I told Michael I thought I needed to go back, so we did. I hesitated out of my own perceived awkwardness, but the reality that His Kingdom is not of this world put things back into perspective for me.

We approached the man again and asked him if the name 'Ralph' meant anything to him. But he said the only thing he could think of was that 'Ralph' reminded him of his drinking days (which I'm sure are far from over). We asked him if there was anything he needed prayer for and quite bluntly he told us he needed protection from people trying to murder him. Now whether that's true or not isn't my business - my one and only mission is to love. "No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the One who enlisted him." (2 Timothy 2:4) Whether this man suffered from schizophrenia, demonic oppression or men were genuinely trying to murder him is irrelevant. Jesus is the solution to all those problems, and it's my job as His servant to proclaim and demonstrate that truth. Michael and I thanked God for his life, declared protection and rebuked any murderous spirit pursuing him.

But after we left I still didn't feel at peace for being obedient. I told myself it wasn't about me and it was about Jesus, but I still felt... disappointed. It just didn't seem like the encounter had any real, lasting impact on that man and I really struggled with how impersonal it felt. That of course brought in feelings of guilt for not being obedient the first time around: "Was it because I ignored him? Did I make it awkward? Did I make him feel like an afterthought? Jesus wouldn't have done that. I should have listened more. I should have gotten him food. I should have done more..." In the gospel of John it says that Jesus did not look at men's faces, and so often I find myself doing the exact opposite. I know that Jesus was so determined to do only what he saw the Father doing not just for our good, but for His perfect will too. There's simply no room for the approval of men when you're wholly satisfied by the approval of the Father. And more importantly, Michael reminded me, truth isn't based on a feeling. It doesn't matter if I don't "feel" obedient, the truth is, because of Jesus, I am obedient. Obedience is not dependent on a feeling! The battle for truth is in our minds: "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12) I had to tell myself that no matter how I felt or how that man felt, I did what God instructed me to do and that was all that mattered.

Outside of Holy Spirit Espresso

Still wrestling with my emotions, we walked on to find a place to get coffee. Michael stopped two guys holding a couple cups and asked where they got them. "Oh man, let me tell you where the best place to get coffee is... And the guy is super cool." He pointed us in the direction of a literal hole in the wall named - get ready for this - "Holy Spirit Espresso." Would I seem entirely credulous if I told you I took it as a sign that God was affirming Michael's and my obedience and our way of life? "For all who are led by the spirit are the sons of God." (Romans 8:14) All rationalizing and reasoning aside, I still find I have the heart of a child. But I guess that's best for the Kingdom anyways, isn't it?

And as if to prove it was meant to be interpreted solely as a sign from the Lord (and not "the best coffee in Sante Fe" as the sign boasted), the coffee was awful and the owner less than friendly. There was literally no honest way we could claim it was for a good cup of joe we were led there. The only explanation was that we were led by the Holy Spirit. Maybe that's taking things too far, but who am I to be choosy with my "signs" from the Lord?

On our way home we saw a dust devil and it was one of the coolest things I've seen since we've been here. We were maybe about a mile and a half away when we first saw it. As we got closer you could better gauge just how big it was. My grandpa once shared how dangerous they were, but I had only seen the small ones you occasionally see in suburban settings that last for a few seconds and dissipate. I couldn't imagine being worried over something like that. But this guy was huge. It would have been no trouble for it to cause damage to a person or other outdoor objects.

"The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart
from before the people" (Exodus 13:22)

Some say when the Israelites were leaving Egypt that the pillar of cloud God use to lead them by day may have been a large dust devil or whirlwind. So yet again our "pillar of cloud by day", our "Holy Spirit Espresso", our Counselor and Friend reminds us He will never leave us or forsake us. In all our comings and goings, He is faithful to the very end and is our ever-present Help in time of need.

It's hard not to love a God as big and creative as that.

What are some ways God communicates with you? Do you seek those opportunities out or do they seem to "fall in your lap"?